on pain

warning: not good writing ahead. in too much pain to edit.

anyone who knows me knows about me and my many dysfunctional body parts. where should we begin? first there are the fingers that, after repeated jabbing, have simply swollen to the point where most rings won't fit. then there are the ankles which have been twisted and sprained more times than mary-kate has been in rehab, the knees which can't move without the two joints rubbing against each other.. nothing WD-40 can't fix.

then there's the infamous back pain. my back has steadily gotten worse over the past 5 years.. there will be random moments when it spazzes out and there is immense muscular pain. and i am one who doesn't like to go to the doctor - my body is stronger than that, the doctor won't tell me anything i don't already know, ill get even better if i beat this without medication.. you name the excuse, ive ran it through my head before.

but lately my back has been hurting more and more, to the point where i finally made an appointment with an orthopedist. there would be times when the pain was just unbearable, and i would spend the night sleeping on the floor, just so there would be strong support for my back.. checking my back, the old viet man told me he saw nothing wrong. in fact, my back is very healthy. precautionary x-rays told the same story, but just to be sure, there's an mri lined up for later on in the year.

walking away with a perscription for some cream, i thought everything would be fine. until today, when all day, from zero to.. hero? the pain-meter shot through the roof. if there was a measurement for pain, mine would be The Todd plus one. i could barely walk, and it progressively got worse. i finally gave in and picked up the cream. but it did nothing. even lifting an arm or turning my neck would trigger the pain; who knew your back muscle was involved with so much?

i think my instinctive response would be to ask God to take this pain away. but i think of job and his sufferings and how this man of faith responded - he totally disregarded the pain and praised the name of the Lord. how can you do that? how can you be in the mood to praise God's name when your entire family and livestock just got crushed? how can you be in a praiseful mood when you can't even sit eat dinner properly because your back hurts just that much?

at this, job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. then he fell to the ground in worship
job 1:20

the lesson we learn is that we don't simply ignore the hurt or the pain; job tore his robe and shaved his head to lament, to mourn.. but the way he responds to the pain is astounding - falling on the ground in worship.

sometimes, the posture of my heart is so selfish, so fickle, coming and going with the situations around me, when it is Christ who makes me who i am, and in whom i have my trust and identity. so in the midst of my pain, i am learning to turn around and praise the name of the Lord, because i know in faith, He has overcame it on my behalf and He is a sovereign God who delivers.

of course, if i end up paralyzed one day or die, then you, dear 6 readers, need to throw this reminder back in my face.